Help my unbelief.

Well, the fears of not providing for my family are starting to creep into my mind almost momentarily now. I have only been here a week and a half, but my faith seems to already be wavering. The battle has begun. I find myself questioning the move, and the doors that were opened by God seem somehow to have been my own desires now.

I am like a child that has so many questions, and does not like the answers given. Is it my time to suffer? Am I to be taught the reality of God's provision by not having employment? Is this to humble me?

I find myself at times drifting back, and forth. I wonder how long it will be until I realize that God really is all knowing, and He does all things right. I need a job, but I know that God will provide one in his timing. I laughed at the thought of coming out here in the first place, but when a job seemed to be waiting I jumped at the chance. Oh, how I feel like a fool. I am ashamed of my doubts, and yet there they are laughing at me. I long to be holy, yet I find myself laying in the filth. If it were not for the Christ I would have gone insane by now. So weak, and still pride finds a way to fill my heart. Cleanse me my God, and strenghten my feeble mind I pray.